“Please Don’t Write About This”
I just got done reading this, from Ana Fernatt, a reader at our first Solo Show back in February, about her very recent break-up. That night was the first time I met her, and I clearly remember her elation at embarking on a new relationship. Which of course, was ironic that she was participating in a show about being single. Without a doubt, though, she had plenty of past experiences to read about and entertained as we knew she would.
There are two things that keep me from being completely honest or rather, revealing, when it comes to this blog: trying to respect the people I become involved with and the fact that some people (read: my parents) are following. In relation to the latter, I can’t be as explicit or forthcoming as I could be were this anonymous.
I really appreciate that Melinda frames this as a challenge, rather than a hindrance. But sometimes I see the difficulty as a roadblock, stopping me from saying what I really want and preventing me from a true creative outlet.
While I have no desire to throw anyone under a bus or talk about all of the not so savory things I’ve gotten myself into, there is a lot of editing of my thoughts that goes on before I write a post. I debate with myself about what to say or not to say, while also trying to get you, my readers, to relate to me.
How can I accomplish this when there are constantly other people to consider?
There are things going on right now that I’d like to write about, that in some ways, I feel like I need to write about, as therapy or release or whatever. But I don’t.
I know there are always two sides to every story. Being a writer of a blog is not only a journal of some sorts, but also a one sided perspective of interactions with others. Facts may be facts, but without proper context, can be misconstrued.
People may know I’m referencing them specifically when I speak in generalities, but I hope they understand what this is all about.
And really, at the end of the day, this IS me and mine and I’ll do whatever I please with it short of libel and public humiliation.
-Carly
Not For Me
I don’t think I even made it two weeks on OKCupid.
The breaking point was a friend suggesting that perhaps it just isn’t FOR ME.
Not that online dating doesn’t work. Not that there aren’t legitimate people on there. Not that you can’t find true love.
But simply that I’m not cut out for it.
Maybe he’s right.
Sure, this go ‘round was done half-heartedly, out of boredom mostly. And yes, as my phone sat there, silently mocking me last night, I wished I could have some sort of interaction.
But I forced myself to remember: All I Have Is Me.
I don’t know why I even have to remind myself of that, or why that thought sometimes causes major angst and anxiety. I’ve been single far too long to not have accepted my current situation.
Sometimes I find it difficult to go about my day acting as though I’m not looking to find someone. It can feel pathetic to focus on my loneliness and lack of companionship. I have good friends, a pretty full social life, and in general, am learning to find ways to make myself happy.
But, the truth is, people pair off. If they’re not paired off, a good number of them are trying to. They might not be able to define the terms and conditions, but the instinct to connect is undeniable.
So yeah, for now I’ve decided to not look for my next potential whatever online. At least, not a dating site.
Don’t worry. I’m sure I’ll find something to talk about.
-Carly
chicagotalks.org
Our little write up in Chicago Talks.
Boystown Beauty
On Sunday, I found myself without anything to do, so of course I turned to Twitter. My friend was working at Scarlet and told me to come stop by. I obliged. Nothing like a little Sunday afternoon cocktail.
If you’re not familiar with Scarlet, it is located in the center of Boystown and my old ‘hood. I have a deep love and fondness of Boystown and spent 4 years living there. There are pros and cons to living in this ‘hood, cons being the very expensive rent, and being a single straight woman attempting to meet someone without many straight dudes in sight (because I don’t count Wrigleyville, because, gross).
But I was reminded of my love for Boystown on Sunday at Scarlet.
There is no one who will make you feel better and more beautiful than Boystown men. My self-confidence was boosted like whoa, with throngs of men asking me if I am a model, telling me I look like Carey Mulligan and Michelle Williams (not Tabitha), asking me to dance, and throwing me compliments before I could even thank them for the last one.
I really do appreciate this. I’m in a throes of a weight gain and therefore diet, and feeling a bit rough.
But the thing is, getting told you’re beautiful by someone who isn’t sexually attracted to you, is like being lactose intolerant at an ice cream sundae bar.
By the end, I just was frustrated. So it seems as though attractive men (who yes, want other attractive men) do think I’m beautiful. There were multiple questions of whether I was single or not. YES I AM SINGLE. NO, NO STRAIGHT DUDES WANT TO DATE ME.
Please, dear please, tell your straight dudes you know! Why do I never get this from them!?
Just like everything else, the gays have the best taste. And they need to help educate the masses.
-Melinda
Let’s Be Friends
I have a couple of guy friends in my life who’ve really made me feel like it’s possible to have this kind of relationship with the opposite sex.
However, I’ve never dated either one of them, and there hasn’t been any stronger feelings besides a passing crush.
I’m not sure if that’s what works in these situations, but I’m happy for them regardless.
What I like is the mutual appreciation and respect for the one another. I also feel like I can be myself, even when that means I’m in a bad mood or not looking so hot or just not having much to say.
We talk, sometimes daily, about this or that, light and heavy stuff. I don’t have to put on a facade, afraid that my sensitivity or opinions or words may cause them to think differently enough of me to end our relationship.
Because that’s the thing about friendships: we don’t think about an End Point. While friends may come in and out of our lives, sometimes inexplicably, sometimes quietly, sometimes after a fight or an unspoken problem, we’re never focused on “where this is all going”.
It just simply is.
-Carly
It’s Funny Sad
Tonight’s the night.
We’ve been planning this mini-show since March. It’s amazing how time flies.
A lot has happened since then. Some of it different, some of it the same old story.
But one thing holds true: Melinda and I are still single.
Not for lack of trying.
While I find enormous pleasure in writing this blog, in doing the readings and in the bigger picture, getting to have endless conversations with people about the state of dating, relationships, love, heartbreak, the whole nine yards, it’s a lot of mixed feelings when our events finally arrive.
Because the thing is, while writing about being single, our past relationships and current dating lives, is the reason this whole thing is happening, why Melinda and I met and became friends, why I’ve found an incredible creative outlet with a receptive audience, what it sometimes really brings into focus is how solo I really am.
There is no one near and dear wishing me luck. No special audience member who comes to all of these events to tell me how proud they are.
I don’t come home to an awaiting anyone. No one to say yay or nay to an outfit, or let me run through my piece or help me memorize a cover song.
I lack that other person, a support system that comes in the form of a companion, a partner.
So days like today are always bittersweet for me. While I’m excited and happy and grateful, I’m also at home, alone, sitting on this laptop.
-Carly
If you hadn’t yet heard, we are having our reading and musical performance TONIGHT. 8 pm. Lincoln and Grace. It’s BYOB crazy kids. Do it.
Source: melindamac
Field Work
When people find out we maintain a dating/single life blog, we get lots of inquiries on advice, stories on our worst dates, and what and where are the best way to meet men, etc.
So in order to give the best advice possible, we’re launching some two, yes, two, different fieldwork projects. And because they’ll make for good stories, yes?
1) The Online Dating Potential:
Each month, we’ll be joining and chronicling an online dating venue to tell you all more about the pros and cons, what sorts of dudes and experiences we’re getting out of them, and the user-friendly aspects of the dating site. We’ll be doing mostly the free ones, because, well, we’re broke, but if we get a windfall maybe we’ll even invest in the $30.00 for a Match.com membership.
We are both completely single at this point, so June is a perfect month to begin. We’ll be starting with good ol’ OkCupid, which we both have endless experiences with, so this will be a good one. We’ll also be covering the OkCupid Local App (because seriously it deserves it’s own coverage), following with other sites such as plentyoffish.com, howaboutwe.com, and the like. Even covering craigslist.com (though carefully due to the whole Craigslist killer and such) and maybe even interracialdating.com (neither of us exclusive to interracial dating, but both of us tend to go that way).
Get excited kiddies.
2) The Chicago ‘Hood Project
Part of living in the best city in the world is the endless possibility of locales to meet men. As you may know, Chicago is a city of neighborhoods, and the options and qualities of men seem to differ ‘hood to ‘hood. We already do quite a bit of field work in the Wicker Park neighborhood, but we’ll cover a new ‘hood each month to discuss the virtues of their singles’ scenes and the men they offer. Can you meet a straight guy in Boystown? Are there only douchebags in Wrigleyville and hipsters in Wicker Park? We’ll be able to tell you.
So. Look out for June 2012.
And if you have any suggestions or ideas, holla at us anytime: solointhesecondcity@gmail.com.
Back At It
So.
I’m back on OKCupid.
No need to wish me luck.
I know the drill.
Stay tuned for more…
-Carly
Google Chrome: Coffee (by googlechrome)
Ok Google, I see what you’re getting at here. You’re marketing to all us crazy chicks who got dumped. That are all hoping and sitting around praying that a dude is gonna do this for us because he has Google Chrome. That he finally realized that he’s a douche and is going to call you to get coffee. As if you need all those videos and images in order to say yes.
You’re marketing and preying on the lonely. Especially the women. You’re preying on women who have this ill-advised hope that he’s gonna figure it out and give you a call for that coffee.
Well guess what, he’s not going to call or email or share Google docs with you. He’s not going to send you a multimedia pitch on why to have coffee with him. Not only is he not going to call you less send you this multimedia production, he’s not going to realize that he’s been a douche and he’s not going to realize that he spent too much time at the office. Or if he has realized it, it’s because he’s also lonely or because it didn’t work out with that skinny brunette at the office he left you for in the first place.
And to you crazy chicks who got dumped. Ahem, I’ve been one of them. I’ve sat around crying and hoping he was going to realize what he had done and call me or show up at my front door. I understand. But guess, what? Sitting around watching this damned commercial on your TV or laptop isn’t going to help. Get out of the house and block his number (because you’re obviously using Google Voice, which has those easy block capabilities). Get off the couch. Go out and meet someone new. I guarantee down the street at the bar there are 9 guys waiting to have a beer with you. And if you’re not into bars, go to the park, a museum, bookclub, whatever suits your fancy. Whatever you do, do not believe in this phenomenon.
This entire video justifies to all media viewers that it’s okay to be a crazy bitch. It is not.
And just for that, I’m going back to Safari.
-Melinda
Source: youtube.com
Rusty
“Go talk to him!” my friend urged.
Truth is, in the not so distant past, I was pretty good at this. Not to brag. It certainly didn’t go my way a lot of the times. But talking to strangers comes easily to me.
So the other night, I caught the last few songs of the opening act of a show and my friend suggested I go talk to the lead singer, who I found very attractive, pointing out that he’d probably just be hanging out at the merch table since we were in a small venue.
Sidenote: Strap a guitar and put a mic in front of just about any guy, and I will probably swoon. Especially if they are talented. They can play drums too.
Anyway, I laughed it off. I’m off my game. My self esteem has been rather low lately (guess I’ll be going on that diet again) and in general, am still recovering from a few bouts of rejection.
This is what being single is all about, though, right? The freedom of talking to whomever I want, flirting, exchanging numbers, thinking about and exploring the possibilities?
Right now it feels like work. I can bat my eyelashes just like the next girl, but she’s probably younger/prettier/skinnier/minus a lot of my bullshit baggage anyway and I just don’t feel like competing at the moment.
I’ve done enough trying to prove my worth in this capacity or that, carrying around a relationship CV and showing up for interviews, not knowing that the position was already filled or never existed in the first place.
Being “out there” just doesn’t seem as fun anymore.
-Carly
Retiring Our Running Shoes
Carly:
I’ve mentioned before, the first boy I ever liked I met in second grade. His name was Andrew and I chased him around homeroom, begging him to marry me.
This has basically become the theme of most of the interactions I have had with guys.
I’ve never subscribed to waiting around to being pursued. In other words, I ignored any and all signs of “He’s Just Not That Into You” based on my belief that if someone showed even the slightest interest, it was worth exploring.
It’s not surprising that this has lead to a lot of disappointment, tears and heartache.
Why isn’t anyone outside my bedroom window blaring love songs out of boomboxes or penning letters about their undying love for me or showing up at my parents’ house forty five miles away to say that breaking up over the phone was probably not the way to go about things?
Or better yet: Why doesn’t anyone want to stick around and why am I always trying to convince them to stay?
It’s starting to take a toll on me. I’m beginning to wonder why I chase after anyone at all.
I know it shouldn’t be a game of tag, but for once I’d like to not be “It”.
***
Melinda:
I also used to chase boys on the playground (Nathan Clutter, RIP) and try to steal his shoes and kiss him. Maybe I thought he’d run away from me slower if I took his shoes? Not quite sure.
Basically, I’m burned out. In the last 4 years of singlehood, and especially the last few months, I feel like I’ve spent an enormous amount of time attempting to convince a variety of them that I should be it. That they should want me and that I’m a kickass person (which, duh!). It’s exhausting. I feel like I’m asking for a promotion and raise at work, though I’m already aware there are salary freezes and layoffs.
I feel like Meredith in Grey’s Anatomy (Is that show still on?) in her famous line, “Pick me. Choose me. Love me,” that we all know so well. She has that annoying tear in her eye and her best begging annoying voice.
Never before these last few years have I ever been one to chase anyone. If they didn’t like me enough, fine, I was over it.
I want to be worth it. I want to be fought for. I want him to get in a car after working til 3:00 a.m. at a bar and drive to Ohio immediately after because he can’t stand not seeing me. And really, I don’t even need all that. I just need someone to tell me that maybe they could somehow see where things go. That they actually are interested in pursuing something that will last longer than next week. The uncertainty and the convincing “pick me” line makes me want to puke on myself.
But it’s leave behind your running shoes or be alone these days it seems. It seems like all my single friends are in this boat, with the sailors all carrying too much baggage and wanting to sail home free. And we’re all kick ass women (and men). People should be falling all over themselves to be with us.
I shouldn’t be pitching constantly that I am worth your time and your future. Someone needs to chase after me. I mean, I was the cross country manager in high school. I’m supposed to stand there and look cute and take times while I watch you run 5 minute miles, not the other way around, because I hate running.
So I’m done. No more chasing and trying to take off his shoes. Get out that damned boombox and go all John Cusack on me, or else I’m done listening.
Housekeeping and thank you!
Thanks all for following and reading! We really appreciate it.
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Lots of love,
M and C
Girl Meets Boy
And that’s about the only thing that remains the same as it did over ten years ago when I first started actively trying to date.
Aside from having not been in a situation where I thought someone had potential, I also hadn’t been inexplicably attracted to someone in a long time.
So when it finally happened several months ago, I was taken aback. I was a different person in a dating world I’d been maneuvering my way through since 2009, with two relationships under my belt and also complete disillusionment.
Melinda kept saying “It shouldn’t be this hard so soon. You shouldn’t be fighting already. There should be a honeymoon period”.
Oh yeah. The Honeymoon Period.
I remember that. I recall those first couple of months when it’s seriously all sunshine and roses (sometimes actual ones) and every day is another opportunity to get to know someone more, grow closer to them. You are gushing and bursting and like Joseph Gordon-Levitt walking down the street in his imaginary parade in “(500) Days of Summer”, it’s as though everyone around you knows and understands.
But just like everything else that seemed possible at 25, none of that is as realistic eight years later.
I don’t know if it’s simply age or 2012 or a combination of the two, but the last six months have felt like a non-stop rude awakening.
Here I am again, trying to figure out if I’m in need of an attitude adjustment or if I’m just dealing with the wrong men. Should it or shouldn’t it be “this” complicated? If relationships are so much work, when is it ever really easy? Has online social media killed The Honeymoon Period? Or are we just getting older and more jaded and don’t have the capacity to enter into things blind and innocent and hopeful?
Am I foolish for wanting just a little bit more time to feel the joy of meeting someone new? Could I start the day not having to make sure the clouds won’t roll in later with an impending storm?
I guess I’d just prefer stomach issues due to butterflies over the sickness I seem to be waking up with lately.
-Carly
SoloInTheSecondCity@gmail.com.
